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Me and my Higher Power are gonna have words!

 I keep saying to myself that I will not get negative, I will not get bogged down in self pity or feel sorry for myself, but for Goddess sake enough already!! My pain level on a every day basis is at an 11, I am getting so far behind in school, we have now pawned everything we own plus taken a payday loan just to stay afloat. Deshawn is working so hard to keep a roof over our head and keep me from going insane, which must be the hardest job EVER! I keep trying to look at the good things and there are a lot of reason to be thankful but with everything going on it is really hard to stay focused on those things. We are doing a lot of shows which is great, for Deshawn. We final have our apartment back but its not the same because we are not the same. I want to crawl in to bed and stay there, and would if my bed wasn’t so fucking uncomfortable….(my poor attempt at making a joke) I am so scared about my health issues and wish some body would say something other that ” every thing will be okay.” While I appreciate their positive thoughts no one really knows if everything is going to be okay so why say it. I love my friends and I am glad I have them but I wish there was someone who really understood the fear I am experiencing. I can’t wrap my head around other than this fear, nothing distracts me from it. I know that the Goddess has a purpose and I know it is not for me to completely understand and that I should just have a little faith but when we do come face to face in summerland I have a few choice words for her….I better come back as a fat house cat with millionaire owners!!!